Pistanthrophobia

The budding of new love is pretty exciting. They say it doesn’t get any better than that. The chemistry, the energy, the fear, the uncertainty of whether they actually do feel the same as you…

All I needed to know for now was that I did actually enjoy being here with him. I enjoyed just being present in the moment…

“Leave your phone alone and eat before the food gets cold.”

I smiled nervously trying to avert the anxiety that suddenly gnawed at my insides, feeling my skin grow hot then chill over and over for the next couple of seconds.

“What are you looking at? Let me see.”

Ducking my phone behind me and trying to brush it off, I apologized and tried to eat. I had nothing to hide really, I just felt safer that way. I was still accessing him, trying to determine how much of me he could handle to see.

“Give me your phone.”

What?!

“Uh-no!?”

Am I asking or telling him? I facepalmed myself internally.

“Come on, I’ll give you mine. I’m just curious.”

I thought about it for a moment. Would he make fun of my gallery full of Tik-Tok videos and pictures I’ll never post? What was he even curious about? I wasn’t talking to anyone except a couple of classmates and other friends, so my WhatsApp was pretty dry anyway. Breathing easier when I reminded myself it would be an opportunity to access him from a different angle, I handed the phone to him.

“You trust me?”

I considered that for a moment. He hadn’t given me a reason not to yet. So I nodded.

“What’s your pin?”

I keyed it in while anticipating the outburst I was sure was coming concerning how simple my pin was. Hey, don’t blame me! If I do set a “good” pin or password, I will forget it. Laughing at his exaggeratedly disappointed expression, I reached over for his phone and asked for his pin. I paused when he gave it to me without a second thought. He was busy going through my call list and gallery looking very satisfied seeing his contact name constantly appearing on my list of recently contacted besides my mom’s.

Turning to look at his phone, I realized I’d forgotten his pin then I very embarrassedly asked him to repeat it chewing on my inner cheek.

“You seriously already forgot?” he asked me lightly chuckling.

Anxiety: Is this a test?

 Logic: Don’t start.

Common sense: We either struggle pretending to remember or just ask for it.

“Yeah, sorry. Could you repeat that real quick?”

“Sure, here it is.”

“Thank you.”

Anxiety: That was a little too smooth. He didn’t even flinch when I took it, that’s suspicious.

Overthinking: What is he trying to do?

Anxiety: Is he trying to win my trust y’all because this is very toxic.

Heart: Isn’t this what we wanted though? I’m confused..

Logic: Relax, let’s just go through his phone.

Heart: Where do we start?

Anxiety: He was way too confident when I took the phone, he must have deleted any incriminating evidence.

Common sense: Incriminating?? You’re blowing this out of proportion, relax.

Logic: What would you even consider incriminating?

Anxiety: Check his music library.

Common sense: uh…ok?

Logic: This is way too calm for my comfort.

Common sense: A bit of misogyny of course.

Logic: I think he’s a little weird.

Common sense: Green flag?

Logic: Absolutely!

Anxiety: Go through the recently contacted list.

Logic: Okay.

Common sense: Not much here either.

Anxiety: Bookshelf?

Logic: Weird shit of course buh that’s it.

Anxiety: okay, photo album, there’s definitely something there!

Common sense:(Shrugging) Nothing there chief.

Anxiety: So he has a second phone! There’s no other logical explanation!

Logic: Okay, I’m going to need you to calm down and put something in your mouth before he notices how hard you’re biting your lip.

Heart: Maybe we should just trust what we see and believe this isn’t a façade and he really is an honest guy.

Common sense: Not to burst the little bubble thing you got going on back there, but we live in Nairobi sweetie, which in the words of the streets is really just one big bedroom. So…

Logic: So instead of getting a heart attack over this, send yourself money instead.

Common sense: That would require a different pin that we can’t ask for.

Logic: Not even if we ask nicely??

Anxiety: Is this some sort of security test where he doesn’t expect us to go through it because we trust him or something?

Overthinking: We’re just left with the messaging apps now?

Anxiety: Just lock it and return it to him with a smile because I can’t…

Common sense: Buh what if there’s nothing there either??

Anxiety: Then he’s doing this because he wants us to think there’s no reason to go through it in future even when there might be a reason to.

Logic: It’s a first date, damn you need to chill.

Higher self: You’ve been doing your shadow work and your healing, you’re elevating and aligning your energy to a better quality of life, so when you manifested new better love, why wouldn’t you get it?

Overthinking: Yeah, I know all of that, but what’s the catch though? Is this a potential distraction from a bigger goal I’m trying to achieve?

Higher self: No, a blessing. You didn’t settle in familiar circles, you’re ready for more now.

Intuition: I’d have given you a signal as soon as that man walked in your space if something was off about him, so relax and enjoy it.

Higher self: You’ll be okay.

Intuition: I’m loud as hell honey, don’t worry, you won’t be able to miss me when I sound an alarm. You’ll be safe.

Overthinking: All that is cool but I say check his phone when he’s asleep just to be sure…

Anxiety: I don’t think we’re welcome here…we’ll see ourselves out now.

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