Yachts and Bags

“I’ve been suffering. I’ve suffered for nineteen years it’s time for me to shake my ass on a yacht!!!”

“In DUBAIIII!!”

“IN A THONGGGG!!!!”

The trend has of course been popularized by the high number of girls and young women that hopped onto it, and been frowned upon by men that have taken it as a personal attack that devalues their provision capabilities. Which has sparked the centuries old question: what is the place of monetary assets in personal relationships? Specifically romantic ones?

I once read a book: Act like a lady think like a man, most of you have probably read it too. It talks of how men use a certain scale of evaluation of themselves: their titles, their work or job, and how much money they make. Therefore, men cannot be in a position to form loving, fulfilling and long-term romantic relationships on average when those three are undefined or unstable. They are seen as central values men use to identify their place in society according to and form the basis of their self-worth and identify. The societal system has ensured it  backs this by upholding male privilege in that: they generally have better access to educational facilities (I am not disregarding efforts to balance this out, just saying there’s a longer way to go than we think),they earn more than their female counterparts in vocational enterprises for the same amount of work and skill set since men are generally perceived as more competent and intelligent, as well as generally being regarded the reason for their families doing well(financially most of the time).

These privileges more often than not are directly translated to expectations of offering unquestionable authority. Allow me to explain. The divorce of The Gates some time back brought me an unwelcome realization considering how most people bore the attitude of “if even Bill Gates couldn’t keep his wife regardless of all the wealth and fame and power, then what can keep women?” This is rephrased without changing it’s meaning to “women only want your money in relationships” ,that was translated from  money is the only thing that they know how to provide in said relationships, and therefore have to literally convince themselves that it is all women require in relationships therefore “failure” to do so is the sole reason they are unable to maintain healthy romantic relationships with their partners(these claims are especially used by men that do not consider themselves successful while at the same timein a good number of cases being actively involved with women). Though if indeed women were to only go for financial statements while finding a mate, they are still demonized as gold diggers. This sentiment is carried along in the stories of all divorced billionaires and is honestly sad to watch because while all this might provide financial security and other benefits both physically and psychologically, marriage is essentially one person spending the entirety of their lives with another person. And in order for someone to marry you and stay in that marriage with you, they must want to be married to you. The general thought that men with money enter an alternate universe where they don’t have to cultivate a sense of self in regards to all the other aspects of humanity such as building character, compatible value systems and both emotional and spiritual capacity and depth in order to maintain healthy relationships, or that a certain standard of wealth cancels out the need to become a desirable and charming human being to engage with by their romantic partners is completely off….unless it’s tied to the belief that women are less than men in all these capacities, therefore only needing monetary provision and protection from physical threat from the men(literally almost the whole concept of marriage from the old times.)

This perceived incompetence in women perfectly aligns with “a woman can’t teach you how to be a man” which is fertile ground for degradation and propagation of the alpha mentality in teaching growing and maturing men how to interact with women that has strongholds in manipulation and power games to yield “submission” and control of these women in romantic, personal or sexual relations in a quest to “chase and conquer” and assert dominance disguised as leadership over the “weaker” sex. More often than not, this is brought about by the perception of sex by men as something done to a woman and not with, and as a sort of token of dignity that can be transferred or stolen from the woman that immediately degrades her and immediately upgrades him. Hence the bullshit theory of sexual selection that upholds the double standard in society in favor of patriarchy as well as provides an excuse for those men that just aren’t getting laid(because it’s an accepted standard, and those that don’t measure up to it have “failed”)We’ll talk about purity culture and rape culture another time.

 These cumulatively amount to “power”: Success in both material wealth and sexual partners.

Now, as you have seen, the structure of masculinity is completely under the male gaze that is more attuned to fitting in among themselves than it is about fostering better relationships between themselves and others. This effectively associates emotional nature and expression as not a form of intimacy and forming bonds but as signs of weakness as they portray men to be seeking and dependent on female validation and “weak” guidance.

Therefore, heterosexual relationships have unmet needs on both sides and are unfulfilling most times. That’s the thing with yin and yang, you can’t hurt the other without hurting yourself.

A quote from Marilyn Frye’s The Politics Of Reality:

To say that straight men are heterosexual is to say they engage in sex (exclusively having sex with the other sex i.e women)

All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence, and love they desire…those are overwhelmingly other men.

In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity or paternalism; what passes for honor is removal to the pedestal. From women they want devotion, service and sex.

Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving.

Wanjiru.

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