Feline Therapy

Listening to $hyfromdatre while doing the dishes a few minutes past six is always a vibe. I’m starting to think my procrastinating issues are a lot more deeper than just laziness because for some reason, racing to beat a deadline with some serious consequences resulting from failure to be on time gets my blood boiling with challenge…there’s no way that’s normal…is there? But I have amazing rap lyrics to keep up with in my me-vs-my reflection in the kitchen window rap battles, excellent flow with the fast beats hastening my hands because I’m still making sure I snap sassily after the first six lines…it’s a dis song by the way.

After this I will proceed to pour myself a full wine glass of apple juice as a reward for doing my chores in less time than it took me the day before…. it’s all about celebrating the small wins I tell you! Look at me being more responsible than I was literally a couple of minutes ago, I grow up so fast (dramatic sniffle).And shrink again even faster come to think of it but mind your business will you?

Ladies and gentlemen we have come to the part of my day when I put my legs up on the pouffe, my back on a throw pillow, one hand holding the wine glass’s stem between my fingers as I struggle to find a braincell in me that would be interested in very dry tea about rich housewives and their lives. After initially trying to balance the wine glass between my middle and ring finger like I’ve seen them do on tv and thrice almost losing balance with my hands(is that even a thing?)I decided we’d just search for a wine glass holding tutorial later coz I literally can’t afford to break another one this week….I’m clumsy, stop judging me.

The door is always slightly open when I’m home alone, not because I think the house be acting funny and my closet demon is trying to escape literally everytime I hear a creaking sound that’s not coming from any lit rooms, why would you think such a thing? However, you can never be too careful and if a monster does emerge from under my bed a dash through a previously opened door is much more practical if you’re trying to see another day. Life really may not be all that fun living but I ain’t ready to see what’s on the other side of it just yet…my time has not come, abeg.

The door opens ever so slightly when my cat pushes it. I eye him from the corner of my eye expecting his usual meow in greeting. Its not actually a greeting, he’s asking if I remembered to serve his milk before using it to make my afternoon coffee, which I did…but some of us were raised right, so I’ll take that as a greeting. He decides that I am apparently not worth the acknowledgment and marches on to the kitchen where his plate is. I’m I mad at a cat? Yes, I absolutely am.

Rolling my eyes and pouting, I get back to my apple juice as I resume judging the fleeting images on the screen. But then I remember something and a corner of my lips turns up in devilish satisfaction.

My cat: MEOOOOWWWW!!!

Me(internally):Oh so he does have functional vocal cords? Could’ve fooled me…(suppressed snicker and dramatically loud sip)

My cat: You severely misproportioned the milk!!

Me (faking innocence and confusion): I have no idea what you’re talking about.

My cat: I’ll tell your mother!

Me: She can’t speak your language yet, good luck with that.

My cat: But I haven’t had food all day, don’t you care about me? (soft purring and wriggling against my side)

Me: Nope, not really.

My cat: Well played…okay some other agreement then?

Me: Like what?

My cat: You help me hunt something for dinner then I’ll give you life advice that is literally common sense you should have by now, deal?

Me: YESSSSSSS!!!!!

My cat: He texted you again and your petty ass is replying ain’t you?

Me: How did you know?

My cat: You can call it psychic revelation or just the embarrassing realization that though I talked you out of it two days ago, you’re still entertaining him, either answer would be correct, it’s purely a matter of personal perspective.

Me: Soooo…. what do I say??

My cat: Nothing, why are you even thinking of saying anything?

Me: Because he said he misses me and he wants another chance to right all his wrongs? He sounds really sad…

My cat: And how many times has he gotten you all riled up with a stupid speech he didn’t mean?

Me: But this time…maybe…what if….

My cat: Babygirl an apology without change is manipulation, nothing’s changed until it’s changed…remember that.

Me: But how’ll he show me he’s changed if I don’t give him a chance to?

My cat: He was capable of messing up without your help, he should be ready to get his shit together and fix it with the same energy. His messing up had nothing to do with you and neither should his redemption.

Me: But isn’t that a bit harsh??

My cat: Harsh was him fucking you up in ways you didn’t deserve sweetheart. It doesn’t make you a bad person to let people that don’t deserve you, lose you. He took the risk with a smile, he can handle the consequences, he’s a big boy. Now block him.

Me: Yeah, you have a point.

My cat: And for goodness sake if a new number calls you, decline!!!Go touch some grass, drink water, smell a freaking flower but don’t answer it!!!

Me: okay, damn…I won’t.

My cat: raises a hypothetical feline eyebrow at me.

Me: I swear!!

My cat: Okay, so bugs …under your bed?

Me: Nope, not going there..

My cat: Been there countless times I assure you there’s no monsters.

Me: What if one moved in after the last time you went down there? The creaks I hear at midnight are paranormal, you can’t convince me otherwise…(shrugs)

My cat: Someone needs to drop a really heavy object on your head soon.

Me(rolling my eyes):under the sink?

My cat: Great idea, let’s go!

Me: Wait…what’s that?!

My cat: What? The heavy object that’s supposed to land on your head soon? I was thinking along the lines of iron anchors actually…

(Side-eying my cat) Me: No…that thing on the wall…. right at the corner…I think it moved…!!

My cat: Girl, I think it’s time you…. woaah…it moved!! Dinner!!!

Me: How are you supposed to get up there? There’s literally just wall-no-landing all the way up.

My cat: And that’s where you come in…

Me: How am I supposed to help you get up there? I’m the height of a donut with like two chopsticks on top of one another at most.

My cat: Good point. Um….chair?

Me: Really? C’mon!

My cat: Human carry chair to bottom of wall. Human carry cat on shoulder. Human step on chair. Cat catch dinner. Does human understand?

Me: Any more smart talk out your mouth and I’m knocking your shit to a different dimension…

My cat: Aren’t you the most loving care giver, I’m so lucky to have you!

Me (moves chair to the wall then carries cat on shoulder): You still have roughly 5 feet worth of stretching before you get there so…. Have fun!

My cat: Long shot, but I think I can nail it, stand still and fix that posture.

Me: Excuse me?!

My cat: Don’t worry, I forgive you though it’s absolutely your fault your posture’s so crooked.

Me: Ow! You’re pulling my hair you feline psychopath!!

My cat: Nothing personal but could you get a comb through it sometime soon coz it’s hard to get a grip when they’re all tangled?

Me: Shut up and get off me!!

My cat: I’m so relieved you’re not one of those inactive cat owners, look at you flailing your arms as if I’m clawing at your scalp. Dramatic people would think you’re trying to get me off you too…. Unexplainable bonds between pets and their owners are simply magical…

Me: Nng! Foot! nnnggg!!! mouth!!!now!

My cat: But it is really necessary that I place my foot in your mouth so I don’t fall because I can’t grasp your hair you know…

Me: nnnggggg!!!

My cat: Wait…almost…there! Gotcha!!

Me:(Screaming out of frustration)[HW1] 

My cat: Um, dinner? It’s a lizard…want to share??

Me:(Launching myself after my cat with murder in my eyes)

My cat: I’ll take that as a maybe next time? Murdered cat is unfortunately not on the menu tonight, so Imma dip…(runs out the house)

Me: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!(throws a shoe at my cat but misses)

My cat: Enjoy your rice though!!!(disappears outside)


 [HW1]

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