‘Nice’ Guys

‘Nice guys finish last’

I have a lot to say about this statement. And yeah, I’m about to get real disrespectful. As always, I obviously do not speak for everyone or every situation.

The concept of ‘nice guys’ as used in the statement has nothing to do with niceness and everything to do with entitlement. ’Nice’ in this case isn’t associated with other admirable traits such as chivalry and honesty but rather the presentation of said traits in order to attain whichever goal intended, whether emotional commitment or sexual gratification. The ‘nice’ guy presents the character they believe the ladies in question would be attracted to because those characters meet certain standards, which may be either assumed by the ‘nice’ guy or directly communicated. The “changing yourself for a person” that you are attracted to in the hopes that they will return your affection is a disservice to both you and them. It is manipulation in this way: you use the pain of rejection as an excuse to act out and be a horrible person, completely refusing to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions simply because someone rejected you after you worked to be the person you think they’d want…let that sink in. Emotional immaturity at its finest. Hurting other people in whichever way to project your own hurt is still your fault and it is completely your responsibility to make up for. The idea that everything that goes wrong with you is everyone else’s fault but yourself is a form of victim mentality that will never allow you to move on from your hurt and heal your wounds. The power to do so comes from taking responsibility over your situation, your emotions and actions. Blaming the lady for ‘making you how you are now’ which is quite honestly a brute with an addiction and a rotation of women they’re playing to help ebb the blow their ego suffered when rejected, isn’t at all impressive. I can assure you no one feels sorry for you. Heal and be a better person, we all go through stuff.

There are a lot of red flags in this situation but for the sake of the colorblind, I’ll go ahead and point them out. Major insecurity portrayed by the lack of confidence in who you are as a person and questioning of your worth and desirability, which of course allows you to comfortably assume a different character that you believe would have a better chance if any at all. Dishonesty, which is blatant in this scenario, the portraying yourself as a person you aren’t, which is revealed when your mission is aborted. The struggle with self-identify which is why your values and who you are “change” depending on who rejects or accepts you. The fragile masculinity when you insult the lady to break down her confidence so you feel better about yourself after your ego took a hit. You have no direction and you know the only people that would be led by you are those you’ve convinced are more lost than you are. If she doesn’t want you, leave her alone and stop trying to guilt trip her with how hurt you’ll be when she rejects you into giving in to something you already know she  doesn’t want.

The ‘nice’ guy ain’t even all that nice. He just measures himself to the extremely low bar and thinks anything slightly above that or what looks a little better in comparison to a ‘completely bad’ guy is transactional for whatever their goal is. Example: John is an average guy that disrespects women. Tom is a ‘nice’ guy that will disrespect you once you reject his advances. John will dog you out, Tom might just take you on a date first before he dogs you out. He will dog you out though, make no mistake.

I am well aware of the bias men grow up raised in revolving around emotions and how they are a sign of weakness which leads to intolerance to them and severe stunting in that department in some cases. The neglect on teaching how to handle and work through them plays a big part in the lack of emotional experience and capacity. Same actually goes for women, we’re honestly just allowed to cry about stuff. When it comes to emotional intelligence we all have to learn by ourselves unfortunately.

On the same note, rejection isn’t a defining factor of your worth in any way. That also means someone rejecting you doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t see your worth and all you have to offer, or that they’re shallow and missing out. You are a prize….just not theirs….and that’s okay. They could just not be looking for what you’re offering, or simply not attracted to you. Some of you actually only have ‘nice’ to offer honestly. Nice just means ‘not bad’ which sounds pretty uninteresting. Develop definite real qualities, that way you can stop hiding behind nice, which is literally the bare minimum.

Another skeleton in this closet is using romantic partners as social currency …which ties this all together in a different way, but we’ll talk about that next time.

~Wanjiru~

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