To say that my ego had taken a flight would have been a gross understatement.Miss ma’am was probably on the other side of the planet by now,if the obvious skittering of my movement down the road from that café was anything to go by.The short drive home went by in a blur of revving engine noises beneath my seat and blasting music in my ears from the earphones I’d plugged in as soon as I got into the vehicle.Staggering up the stairs of the apartment building we lived in while trying to both slow down and compose myself and hurry away from the eyes of the world proved to be quite a pain tho.
“There’s food in the fridge!” she yelled from her room when I called out to her from the door. Let’s name her Astrid. ”I love you too!” I yelled back on my way to the shower.
Heart: I really think we should just talk to him.
Mind: And I really think a problem ignored is a problem half solved.
Logic: I thought we were finally growing out of the ignoring problems phase?
Common sense: Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?
Anxiety: Wow, down in the dirt already, I like me a focused meeting. You guys want that list alphabetically or chronologically?
Mind: C’mon I’m pretty sure it’s not that bad. Worst case scenario?
Anxiety: He has AIDS, has a baby momma, his ex a psycho, he’s in a relationship, he’s broke, has no sense of humor, unempathetic, wondering eyes, has hotter friends, spiritual ignorance, he has friends you can’t trust, identify crisis, bad music taste, zero creative abilities, can’t cook or clean….
Logic: Ok shush we got it, damn you’re good!
Anxiety: Does that mean I get that raise?
Mind &Logic: NOO!!
Heart: you guys really think…. he can’t cook??
Common sense: okay come down, we don’t know that yet for sure.
Heart: And what if ….
Logic (glaring at anxiety): see what you did?!
Common sense: ok focus y’all. Would it be an issue if we got to know each other again and there was another woman,and why?
Logic: ask heart that’s on her, I’m Gucci.
Heart: well …I mean…I don’t really have a problem unless she does.
Common sense: Don’t you dare.
Heart: me? dare what?
Logic: I’ll keep an eye on her with anxiety.
Common sense: okay, next point? Can’t cook or clean?
Heart: non-negotiable, put the whole man back in the shelf if he can’t.
Common sense: You haven’t even gathered the guts to talk to him yet and you’re negotiating terms of keeping him?!
Anxiety: dassit common sense, nice and easy, join the dark side.
Ego: If it matters, probably not buh why are we talking to him again?I just think we veered couple of miles off topic.
Mind: Very good question. Are we apologizing for acting weird at the café and in general around him?and if so,are we telling the truth about why?
Common sense: Imma go with the truth, let’s apologize, reintroduce ourselves and see where the conversation goes.
Logic: Really? Just surrender to an unknown current of flowing words and topics?
Common sense: That’s literally the definition of a conversation.
Anxiety: So no prepared script or any planning?
Common sense: Do you guys speak ancient Latin? I just defined the term!
Ego: And why are we going anyway?
Heart: Because we’re the ones that walked out in the first place…
Ah crap here we go again with the sob story.
“You look cute in glasses..”my lips pulled slightly at the corners from the fondness of the memory of those words.The slight timbre of his voice still haunted my dreams, almost inaudible unless you were trying to memorize the notes of it.What’s a thirteen year old got to do?But I wasn’t thirteen anymore,and clearly neither was he.Back then “I love you” was knit together in other words that held the same meaning but were more subtle..are you hurt?do you need anything?will you be okay?teach me how to calculate,I just want to listen,I can beat you in this game…
“you don’t have to say anything…just please don’t leave…” His voice uttered brokenly in the cool air of the last dawn I spent with him.
“If you want a reason let it be me…please fight for me… you’ve always been it for me…I will love you with all that I am…just please don’t leave.”
And yet I did…I left…the one man I’d always need….
My first kiss….