When two soulmates meet and mate, an avatar is born and that’s one step closer to the source, closer to the creator. –Guruji’s father, Sacred games 2
I remember seeing you for the first time. Rihanna came to mind. As sure as night follows day, her beauty pales in comparison to yours. Yet I was only seeing you now. It must be her branding. I am as hard as a rock, almost dead as my mind is thrown into a frenzy on what I can do. Approaching you was out of question; You were waaay out of my league. You were too high class and I was just a silly peasant. Besides, this was a whole new level of gynephobia. I don’t really remember what I liked first. Was it the cute face with those marvelous eyes? Was it the molar shape that made me doubt the very nature of reality? Or was it your adiposites that made your outfits look juicy? I have imagined you in everything, from silk, to jeans, sweat pants, stilettos, and even leather…. Oh my God, Leather!!!…To nothing at all, quite a magnificent site I might add.
Yes, I stared and yes I stalked. What did you expect? I was addicted and you were my drug yet the higher I went on you the more there was to get to the top. I had fallen head over heels! Soon I could maintain eye contact and later on we met. I approached you, or was it the other way around? I don’t really remember but all that matters is that contact was made or as I’d put it, ‘What God has brought together let no man put asunder.’ For a moment, we were cool. We were friends and silly me thought that he was even scoring points. Lust was there no doubt! Wamunyotas all the way. They speak of chemistry, well, we had all the three sciences. I recall past heartbreaks which, sad to say, were all in my head. Could this be that as well? Could she be this nice with everyone? Am I making a fool of myself? You quench my doubts with a call. I get it now; you like me too. As much as I like you or even more. You are just being feminine waiting for me to make the first move. Waiting for me to shoot my shot. Or are you just waiting to know me more? All in all, I was glad that mutual interest had been established. Now all that was left was to build a house, get the three kids and a dog as well.
I move closer on this entanglement that is life and you move away. I sense the distance, both the physical and the emotional. Your smile to me is no longer ear to ear. I clench fists and bite teeth as other guys make moves on you. I’m not sure what it was… Was it when you moved away as I tried to touch your arms or when you told me that you don’t just flirt with anybody? Was it when you refused to meet up or when you admitted that you wouldn’t hug me as well? I don’t know what it is but something brought me back from the world of fantasy real fast. For the first time I saw that all of it could have been in my head like before. I like you, I love you, I want to know you more, I would like to date you… I’m not sure which one I said but I sure did confess. No, it wasn’t on one knee and yes there was a ring but an imaginary one. Could those be the reasons you so vehemently rejected me? Sikujui hivyo, I only see you as a friend, I’d like us to just be good friends…I also don’t remember which it was but that mattered not. It was too late for a ‘I was just kidding’ comment. I was done for. The depths of hell were not deep enough to drown my sorrow.
It seems I will always be the lover and never the beloved. Died and dead, I still woke up to die. I know that after this our relationship changed completely. You saw me differently but as I’ve said a countless number of times before, you are always the same to me: An angel I can never have, the forbidden fruit. I know I might have been childish, played victim, gone cold or even become an outright Jerk and I’m sorry for that. Emotionally unavailable and mentally unstable is how I describe myself. Desperate you said I seemed and desperate I sure was. Not for love but for you. Despacito, I like describing it as. I’d like to be desperate for you forever but that’ll only make me miserable. No, I’m not writing this for closure. That would only mean a white flag and I’m no quitter. I’ll pursue you to the end of time. ‘Then why write this?’ I’m sure you must be asking by now. Well, it is to prove to you and to myself, to the world for all eternity, that there was an Us, there was a story and there was the story of Us. A child of the universe, no smaller than the stars and the trees? All I want is to have a more than platonic glance from you, even for an instance, for I do know how to maximize on opportunity.
Gracias, Mi Amor
And Sorry for everything.
To my one and only, always and forever,
Signed with blood, sealed by fate,
Your not so secret admirer,